Why silence is a leader's best friend → and how to use it effectively
There's a common misconception that a leader is the loudest person in the room. But a leader's real job is to get the best from others → here's how to use silence in your leadership
The value of silence has long been recognised throughout history. Here are a few of my favourite quotes:
“We have two ears and one mouth, therefore we should listen twice as much as we speak.” - Zeno
“Silence is one of the great arts of conversation”. – Cicero
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen Covey
And saving the best until last…
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” - Will Rogers
Silence is a powerful tool and great leaders know when and how to use it.
In this post, we’ll delve into how to use silence as a leader to build trust, solve problems, deliver results and generate new ideas.
Let's dive in👇
This post covers:
How to use silence
When to use silence
Ways to utilise silence
Recommended resources
TL;DR
👂 Keep in mind the 80/20 rule → spend 80% of your time listening vs 20% of your time speaking
🤫 Use silence for better conversations as well as working through problems solo
🎯Silence enables you to make more thoughtful and considered decisions
❓ Use clarifying questions to maintain your silence and give others a forum to speak
🔧 Utilise frameworks and activities to allow others the space to find solutions
How to use silence
As a new leader, there can be a temptation to add the most to the conversation, demonstrate your knowledge, and make decisions quickly. However, your job is to empower your team and the business to achieve results. Silence is a great way to do this.
As a simple framework, I approach silence following the Pareto principle of 80/20. This means spending 80% of your time actively listening vs 20% of your time speaking. Here are some dos and don’ts to help incorporate the 80/20 rule into your leadership:
When to use silence
Silence can be used in almost any situation to enhance outcomes. I’ve picked some key scenarios and how I use silence here 👇
One-to-ones
A one-to-one with your team member is their opportunity to speak and your opportunity to listen. By listening more and telling less, you will:
Build trust and rapport with your team
Create psychological safety for sharing issues and ideas
Empower action and create buy-in for action
Guide your team to the most effective outcomes
Develop your team to be the best they can be
When a member of our team brings us a problem or issue, it can be tempting to offer a solution right away. Otherwise known as our ‘Advice Monster’ (we all have one), this approach disempowers your team, positions you as a bottleneck to issue solving, and puts us at risk of solving the wrong problem as we don’t understand the issue fully.
Instead of saying “You should do X” or "What if we were to do X to solve this issue?” ask open questions such as "What are your ideas to move forward?" and "What do you think is the best way to solve X?".
Team collaboration
Whether it’s your weekly departmental catch-up, a quarterly planning meeting, or an all-hands session to solve an urgent problem, silence is a tool you can use to get to the root of issues and get all ideas out on the table.
Utilise frameworks and activities to give others the space to find solutions. Allow time for individuals to gather their thoughts in silence before discussing with the group for effective problem-solving. Some helpful frameworks include:
By providing a forum for others to share their ideas and concerns you encourage collaboration, build trust within the team, and can define the most effective solution.
Giving feedback
Giving feedback can make us feel uncomfortable and therefore we can be guilty of just wanting to get out what it is that we need to say. Silence can be utilised throughout a feedback conversation to get on the same page, build trust and give space for processing the feedback.
Same page: Before diving into providing feedback it is a good idea to ask questions to establish the other person’s point of view. How do they think things are going? Have they already identified what they need to work on?
Next steps: Once you have delivered your feedback, give the other person some time in silence so they can reflect and digest it before diving into a discussion. Giving this space enables a better conversation around the next steps.
Negative feedback: If the feedback is negative, silence can help to de-escalate any emotions and provides a moment for everyone to collect their thoughts.
Further reading: Giving effective feedback → Feedback burger > Feedback sandwich
Problem-solving
While silence can be an effective tool for communication and collaboration, it is equally as valuable when used solo. Silence provides space to explore new ideas, solve problems, and tap into creativity that isn’t always achievable while we are focused on the day-to-day running of the department or business.
Silence enables you to make more thoughtful and considered decisions.
Further reading: Working 'in' vs 'on' the business → and why great leaders do both
Reflection
Reflection is a constant practice for great leaders. It gives them space to think about the big picture, build resilience, and maintain their confidence.
When did you last find yourself feeling stuck about what actions to take next or you couldn’t figure out what was stopping you from getting to the next level?
Silent reflection provides an opportunity to grow and develop self-awareness. Other reasons you should try it include:
Reducing stress
Improving mental clarity
Enhancing creativity
Creating emotional regulation
Achieving balance
Ways to utilise silence
So, you may be seeing the benefits of silence but you’re not quite sure how to incorporate it into your leadership practice. Here’s a few ways to utilise silence:
Check-ins: At the start of a meeting, ahead of jumping into an issue or topic, give people 5 minutes of silence at the start to note down their thoughts. This works especially well with planning meetings and allows members to reflect on the previous month/quarter/year before planning for the next.
Active listening: Use follow-up and clarifying questions to encourage the other person to speak and for you to maintain your silence.
Questions > telling: The next time you are tempted to dive in with a solution, reframe your thinking and ask “What do you think we should do?” or “How do you think we should solve this?”
Schedule it: Be intentional and schedule time within meetings for silence to be incorporated as well as in your diary for the opportunity to utilise solo silence.
Frameworks: Use frameworks such as The Six Thinking Hats and The Five Whys to get to the root cause of an issue before trying to solve it.
Recommended resources
Book: Leadership Is Language: The Hidden Power of What You Say and What You Don't by L. David Marquet
TED Talk: The Power of Silence - Why Shutting Up Is Good For You by Michael Angelo Caruso
Podcast: Are You a Quiet or Loud Listener? Listening Lessons from Apple by Radical Candor
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Coming up: Next week, I’ll be recommending six TED Talks to help you communicate your vision effectively 📢
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